Last night I went on a not date - a movie and dinner with a guy who I was once interested in but that has since fizzled into the “let’s be buds” realm. Whatever. Taking the train home, I was accosted by the stench of vomit - a girl was being hustled onto the train by her boyfriend and another guy. This bitch was tore. up. Who gets that drunk at 9:30 on a Monday night? The thing is, the two guys she was with were completely sober. So she’s all flailing around since the train was packed and there were no seats. Her boyfriend is doing his best to keep her from tumbling to the ground and he’s rubbing her back and being all boyfriend like. At one point she rushed off the train to puke, PRAISE GOD. Close the doors and let’s be gone. But of course god hates me for watching gay porn and we sat at the stop, with the door open for about 10 minutes, long enough for drunkie and her cohorts to re-board the train. FFFFUUUU-.

As she’s standing there, Stumbles Mcgee all over my left side, I became increasingly annoyed. Not that she was completely violating my 3-foot personal space bubble, but that she was SO DRUNK and they weren’t. I can’t stand it. These girls are completely unaware of their bodies and how much they can drink and get so totally shit canned that they need to be helped out the clurb and whatnot. You almost never see a dude being coddled when he’s bombed out of his mind. Stumble, fall down, walk it off, go home. But chicks need to be ushered places and taken care of and have their backs rubbed while they puke into a random person’s recycling bin. Am I being unnecessarily feminazi about this?

I just don’t like the idea of being so fucked up I can’t get myself home. How is that in any way appealing? Look, I used to get live like everyone else in their twenty’s. Power hours and Sparks binges and (fill in the blank) bombs on special at happy hour. But Christ man, I can always handle my own situation. And really, I don’t ever want to not have at least SOME of my wits about me. This is a direct product of growing up with a neurotic mother, but honestly, you never know when shit is gonna get real, when you’re gonna have to employ some tactical moves. Being so drunk that I can’t hold my head up puts me at a severe disadvantage if I need to do some evasive maneuvers.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN SHIT IS GOING TO POP OFF.