[Previously: Day Four - Data; Day Three; Day One and Two; The Set Up]

Let me just say that I feel an incredible amount of pressure to make this final installment so righteous and stellar and trill (google it), but I’m pretty sure it will fall short of expectations. Just like the whole online dating clusterfuck of an experience has done for me. So, you know, the suckiness of this is somehow appropriate and poetic.

So last time I told you that I was going to message some of Erin’s suitors from my real profile to see if they would catch on. Or, you know, even look at my profile. Instead of baiting, I took a more direct approach. Over the course of this week, I have revealed to 6 guys that IMed the fake profile of what I was doing.  All but one seemed annoyed and/or confused as to why I would so such a thing. Such a horrible and terrible thing. One guy, after being told the deal, said “Why did you do this??” as if I revealed after 10 years of marriage that I was really a dude or something. Get a grip hoss.

On the issue of Fake Me being repeatedly complimented on her sense of humor while I’ve received one message like that in my 9 months on site:

guy: maybe it’s a majority white site
me: it is
guy: that explains it then
me: and?
guy: and what?
me: so the fact that I’m not complimented on my humor in my real profile is that there are mostly white people on the site?
guy: oh well I mean, I don’t think that guys even click on profiles of girls that they aren’t very attracted to, you know?

So following homeboy’s logic, black people should not even try to write an interesting profile since the whites ain’t looking at that shit anyway. I guess I should just list my interests as “chillin and stuff” and be done with it.

This man-child got all petulant about it:

me: really we are just interested in who would approach me vs. her, thats it.
guy: I see.
guy: Given that I’ve never seen your profile, though…
guy: *shrug*
me: so you IMed with out reading the profile? interesting
guy: *sigh* goodbye.

This kid was hilarious. I left the timestamps in. Check out how quickly he goes from interested to peacing out.

(1:51:15 pm) guy: good day.
(1:52:11 pm) guy: you’re awesomely nerdy.

I go on to tell him about what I’m doing and show him my real profile

(1:58:38 pm) me: well, there you have it. the person who is awesomely nerdy is really a fat black girl.
(1:59:24 pm) guy: it’s not a racial thing
(1:59:32 pm) guy: i’ve dated black girls
(1:59:56 pm) me: that’s cool.
(2:00:33 pm) guy: i didn’t notice the smoking though
(2:00:40 pm) guy: I’m pretty asthmatic
(2:00:59 pm) guy: have fun with your experiment

Bullshit. He looked at Erin’s profile (which is the EXACT same as mine) multiple times, sent her a message AND an IM. But the first thing he notices when he looks at my profile is that I OCCASIONALLY smoke? I imagine him frantically packing up a briefcase, stammering through a bullshit excuse as to why he has to leave the conversation. “Uh..uh… I, uh…. ASTHMA! Bye.”

And so it went. I supposed I can’t blame them - no one wants to be told, in so many words, that they’re an asshole. The ones that took the time to engage me all said the same thing: my fatness and/or blackness is a deterrent from them or any like-minded (READ: quality) men messaging me, that’s just the way it is, my experiment is pointless and there are no lessons to be learned.

Sadly, I think there is merit to what they are saying. The only people “learning something” would possibly be good looking white people who live in a bubble of attractiveness and never once gave real thought to the plight of the ugly, or the fat or the black or, god forbid, the ugly, fat AND black. (No Matt, I don’t think I’m ugly, but most of your white brethren think so.)

No one here is learning anything, really. At the end of the day, the fake profile is fake and I will still be ignored.

But it’s not all doom and gloom. To stir the pot, I would purposely view some of Erin’s suitors from my real profile, a lazy, passive-aggressive version of what I originally planned to do for the big finale. One of the first guys to message Erin actually sent me a message noting the profile similarities, but still expressing interest in the bomb ass hilarity of my profile. We’re still exchanging messages. How dare he skew my data?! Now, I don’t think he’s at all interested in me beyond my ability to endlessly quote Wet Hot American Summer with stunning accuracy, but still. It’s something.

The fake profile is being erased tonight. It will return to it’s invisible state for stalking purposes only. As for my future with online dating… it’s unclear. If this experiment holds true, the best I can hope for is a romance with an illiterate yokel with whom I share nothing in common, which is pretty fucking bleak. But somehow, I remain optimistic that one day I’ll cross e-paths with a decent guy who’s as tired of this dating bullshit as I am. We’ll look into each other’s weary eyes, shrug and say “eh, why not?”. Mediocrity and complacency making true romance 4 eva.