I woke up this morning to the most massive drool puddle on my pillow that I can ever recall in my entire life. Holy hell. Is there some sort of medical procedure I can get to, you know, NOT drool? I am the ugliest sleeper ever. My face swells, I get the pattern of any creases in the pillow case on the side of my face, I have severe sleep apnea (world-class snoring), and apparently, severe droolitis.

Hey fellas, line up!