He mentions in his profile something about a plush t-rex he owns

Me: I have a plush Pedobear.

Him: I don’t know what a pedobear is.

Me: Hmm…

[window closed]

“Tolkien is not worth it as a writer. Any book (cough, Fellowship of the Ring, cough) where you have to read almost 70 pages of essays before you can actually understand the story FAILS as a story. Simillarion fails more completely since it was woven from many different often contradictory drafts of the story.”

Thus began a message I got today on OK Cupid from a guy who’s profile goes a little something like this:

Oh.

Just an FYI to the nerds of the world - this is not going to get your penis any closer to a vagina. None of it. Not your nerdly and unsolicited criticism of a woman’s literary choices, nor the slight braggadocio I detect in the mention of the “active” table top RPG group and certainly not being in your late twenties and employed as a “file clerk”.

And the picture….If I didn’t know any better I would think that it was taken from the Best Buddies website. Damn, I feel like an evil bitch even typing that but…

Good to know I’m still attracting the HWAGPs.

On OKCupid (best site ever) there is a section of the profile that reads “I spend a lot of time thinking about” and I am quite sick of seeing guys list sex as something they think about with the cutesy addendum: “(LOL, well I am a guy after all!)”

Are we really still there? Is this what average adult humans believe? That thinking about sex needs any justification whatsoever and that “I’m a guy” is an acceptable one?

Sometimes I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am part of a master race of humans that, sometime in the near future, will rise up. All other inferior humans of sub-par intelligence will bow before us.

I know this is probably a music taste issue and I surely wouldn’t make the same judgment about a person of color who says they aren’t in any way interested in rock or country. But all I think about when I see this in profiles is the guy, scanning radio stations in his car, coming across an urban station murmuring to himself “nigger music.” Which, strangely enough, is exactly what I do. Then I do a Harlem Shake.

[Previously: Day Four - Data; Day Three; Day One and Two; The Set Up]

Let me just say that I feel an incredible amount of pressure to make this final installment so righteous and stellar and trill (google it), but I’m pretty sure it will fall short of expectations. Just like the whole online dating clusterfuck of an experience has done for me. So, you know, the suckiness of this is somehow appropriate and poetic.

So last time I told you that I was going to message some of Erin’s suitors from my real profile to see if they would catch on. Or, you know, even look at my profile. Instead of baiting, I took a more direct approach. Over the course of this week, I have revealed to 6 guys that IMed the fake profile of what I was doing.  All but one seemed annoyed and/or confused as to why I would so such a thing. Such a horrible and terrible thing. One guy, after being told the deal, said “Why did you do this??” as if I revealed after 10 years of marriage that I was really a dude or something. Get a grip hoss.

On the issue of Fake Me being repeatedly complimented on her sense of humor while I’ve received one message like that in my 9 months on site:

guy: maybe it’s a majority white site
me: it is
guy: that explains it then
me: and?
guy: and what?
me: so the fact that I’m not complimented on my humor in my real profile is that there are mostly white people on the site?
guy: oh well I mean, I don’t think that guys even click on profiles of girls that they aren’t very attracted to, you know?

So following homeboy’s logic, black people should not even try to write an interesting profile since the whites ain’t looking at that shit anyway. I guess I should just list my interests as “chillin and stuff” and be done with it.

This man-child got all petulant about it:

me: really we are just interested in who would approach me vs. her, thats it.
guy: I see.
guy: Given that I’ve never seen your profile, though…
guy: *shrug*
me: so you IMed with out reading the profile? interesting
guy: *sigh* goodbye.

This kid was hilarious. I left the timestamps in. Check out how quickly he goes from interested to peacing out.

(1:51:15 pm) guy: good day.
(1:52:11 pm) guy: you’re awesomely nerdy.

I go on to tell him about what I’m doing and show him my real profile

(1:58:38 pm) me: well, there you have it. the person who is awesomely nerdy is really a fat black girl.
(1:59:24 pm) guy: it’s not a racial thing
(1:59:32 pm) guy: i’ve dated black girls
(1:59:56 pm) me: that’s cool.
(2:00:33 pm) guy: i didn’t notice the smoking though
(2:00:40 pm) guy: I’m pretty asthmatic
(2:00:59 pm) guy: have fun with your experiment

Bullshit. He looked at Erin’s profile (which is the EXACT same as mine) multiple times, sent her a message AND an IM. But the first thing he notices when he looks at my profile is that I OCCASIONALLY smoke? I imagine him frantically packing up a briefcase, stammering through a bullshit excuse as to why he has to leave the conversation. “Uh..uh… I, uh…. ASTHMA! Bye.”

And so it went. I supposed I can’t blame them - no one wants to be told, in so many words, that they’re an asshole. The ones that took the time to engage me all said the same thing: my fatness and/or blackness is a deterrent from them or any like-minded (READ: quality) men messaging me, that’s just the way it is, my experiment is pointless and there are no lessons to be learned.

Sadly, I think there is merit to what they are saying. The only people “learning something” would possibly be good looking white people who live in a bubble of attractiveness and never once gave real thought to the plight of the ugly, or the fat or the black or, god forbid, the ugly, fat AND black. (No Matt, I don’t think I’m ugly, but most of your white brethren think so.)

No one here is learning anything, really. At the end of the day, the fake profile is fake and I will still be ignored.

But it’s not all doom and gloom. To stir the pot, I would purposely view some of Erin’s suitors from my real profile, a lazy, passive-aggressive version of what I originally planned to do for the big finale. One of the first guys to message Erin actually sent me a message noting the profile similarities, but still expressing interest in the bomb ass hilarity of my profile. We’re still exchanging messages. How dare he skew my data?! Now, I don’t think he’s at all interested in me beyond my ability to endlessly quote Wet Hot American Summer with stunning accuracy, but still. It’s something.

The fake profile is being erased tonight. It will return to it’s invisible state for stalking purposes only. As for my future with online dating… it’s unclear. If this experiment holds true, the best I can hope for is a romance with an illiterate yokel with whom I share nothing in common, which is pretty fucking bleak. But somehow, I remain optimistic that one day I’ll cross e-paths with a decent guy who’s as tired of this dating bullshit as I am. We’ll look into each other’s weary eyes, shrug and say “eh, why not?”. Mediocrity and complacency making true romance 4 eva.

[Previously: Day Three; Day One and Two; The Set Up]

Originally, I planned on writing a (probably ill-informed and majorly assumptive) screed about what men in the DC Metro area want and do and think (motherfuckers). But rather than assume, let’s look at some data to back up my two major “findings” (I’m such a good scientist it’s crazy - my notes? written on envelopes and Post-Its. Can a bitch get a gig teaching a research methods class or what?)

It was a no-brainer that Erin (Fake Me) would get far more responses and overall interest. So comparing numbers of profile views or messages isn’t really saying anything that we didn’t already know. Yesterday, I gave you guys a sampling of messages but again, you  aren’t getting the full picture from my (possibly biased, but let’s be honest, not really) selection of message excerpts. So let’s really science this shit up with some DATA!

Finding #1 - Erin gets higher quality men. I love me a good graph, don’t you? These are the education levels of the 15 most recent men who messaged us.

Now, I know basing “quality” on what degree you have or don’t have is kind of, flawed - I know lots of people who are successful with no college education and some who are unemployed with multiple degrees. BUT we all know there is a real correlation between education level and intelligence, success, income and so on.

So what do we have here?

Erin’s dudes are rocking the shit out of higher learning. 7 have Master’s degrees. There’s a frigging DOCTOR trying to get a piece. Her least educated suitor is currently in college.

More than half of my suitors didn’t finish or never even attempted college. 3 didn’t even bother listing their education level which can not be a good thing.

Finding #2 - Erin is worth more effort than me.

These numbers don’t look so bad, do they? I mean, according to this chart, you’d think that I’ve won the wordy message war, right? Well, these numbers represent Erin’s 5 LEAST wordy messages and my 5 MOST wordy. That’s right my second most wordy message contains only 11 more words that Erin’s second least wordy.

Most of Erin’s messages were in the high 100’s. These guys actually read her profile and took the time to write a real message. Even her least wordy message (*) was a short little quip that responded directly to something mentioned in the profile. And my most wordy (**), that 288-word opus? Well that was the message I mentioned yesterday that was a copy and paste job meant for a Craigslist ad response. The lowest amount of effort possible. Great. Thanks dude.

I’m thinking about doing one more installment of this depressing yet highly entertaining mess. I’ll pick 3 or 4 guys that have messaged Erin, probably the ones who seem the most enthusiastic about her (my) humor and interests. I will message them from my real profile, with no mention of the experiment. Will they respond? Will they bother to read my profile? Will they notice the striking similarities between the profiles? Dun dun DUNNNNNNN!!!

[Day Five and Beyond]

(This one is a little bit on the tl;dr side. SORRY.)

[Previously: Day One and Two; The Set Up]

Let’s get into the thick of my ire - the messages.

Originally, I expected Erin (fake me) to get a few genuine messages expressing interest. I also postulated that she would get a slew of IMs and messages in which she was asked to participate in a myriad of sexual activities with men who have a 3rd grader’s command of the English language.

WRONG.

Of Erin’s 13 messages and 10 IMs, 0.00 of them were of the “are you a freak in da sheets” variety.

So what kind of messages will a cute white girl from the DC metro area receive?

Really nice ones, actually. I am both validated and saddened. The majority of the messages compliment Fake Me’s humor and wit and express the sentiment that Fake Me seems like a cool person to hang out with. Which is true, I’m fucking rad. It’s validating to know that there are guys out there who “get” me.

But would they be as complimentary on my sense of humor and my killer favorite movies list if they were reading my real profile? Would they even bother to read my real profile? Probably not.

The most depressing part is that I rarely get messages like this. I can remember one. Let’s compare.

A sampling of messages to Erin:

“ok so you’re my new favorite person. first, that little intro paragraph was hilarious. i don’t even know why. but i laughed.  Then you bash hiking which is ….ugh. I hate the people on here. it’s an instant rejection for liking hiking.” (VALIDATING MY HATRED OF THE OUTDOORS!)

“I enjoyed your wittiness and it’s not often that I meet people on here from Chevy Chase.”

“Anyone who speaks Elvish or, as you said, one of the many in the family of languages does not have a sad life. In fact, you’re the second person I’ve come across who took the time to learn it. Which makes you, in my book, pretty awesome. I actually enjoyed reading your whole profile, but the Elvish was the first thing I noticed.” (VALIDATING MY NERDLY INTERESTS!)

“I can’t spend much time on this message, because I’m typing it in the middle of my work out. My workout is bench-pressing a car.” (His entire message is like this. Very funny)

A sampling of messages to me:

“You know, the first thing I noticed about you was that your sense of humor is well developed and full of awesome. You made me laugh, and not just the lol silent internet laugh, but a true laugh out loud.” (This is the message I referred to. The only one. This guy talked to me on IM twice and I’ve never heard from him since.)

“Hi, so you thinking bout making out alot” (This is the entirety of the message)

“Hi Hello, how are you doing? I guess your doing fine’s. Actually l came across your profile and I was highly impressed. If you don’t mind, l would love to know you Bettie am here looking for my soul mate, someone loving caring loyal trustworthy and honest, am looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with. By the way am kelvin and u can contact me at…..” (This is the average language skills level of people who message me. I’m not exaggerating one bit.)

“Hello there, I saw your ad on CL and it caught my eye and my imagination…” (This guy goes on and on, not a bad message, but clearly copy and pasted from the mass responses he sends out to chicks on Craigslist. Great.)

I really wish I could post everything here, because 4 examples doesn’t really give you the best idea of the low-qual, bottom of the barrel dudes that I have to deal with. I have come up with a bevy of conclusions and assumptions based on this 3 day stunt, most of which involve me making bitch lips, shaking my head and doing what I do best, playing the victim. This world IS bullshit Fiona!

Tomorrow, Gross Assumptions, about (mostly white) men in the DC metro area!

[Day Four - Data]

[Day Five and Beyond]