It shocks and saddens me, as I continue to torture myself with online dating, how many grown ass men I have to give basic human sexuality 101 lessons to.
I’ve basically given up on looking for something serious (this is DC and I’m fat and not white which means I am no more suitable as a partner than a pile of dog turd and might as well not exist and you think I’m being hyperbolic here but I assure you I am not) and have mainly turned my energy and attention to more casual scenarios - mainly seeing how many hot 25 year olds I can trick into hooking up with me. I mean whatever, right? Obviously, these conversations turn to sex quickly, and dudes on the internet LOVE talking about a) their dicks and b) their imagined sexual prowess, both of which they seem to be quite clueless about. Most of the men I talk seem to believe:
1. most women can orgasm from penetration alone.
No. Nope. To be honest, I blame other women for this mostly. These guys swear up and down that the majority of women they’ve slept with can achieve this, to which I reply “oh honey. you’ve been lied to.” Stop faking orgasms y’all. Stop lying to these poor dudes who think they are giving you the business.
2. all black dudes have huge dicks.
Given that most of the men I talk to are white (remember when DC used to called chocolate city?) I can not tell you how many times guys assume I am used to gigantic horse dicks as a black woman.
Guy: “I’m not huge or anything but I’m doing alright for a white guy.”
Me: “You know that’s not a thing, right?”
Guy: “Uh, yeah it is!”
Me: “Oh, you’re an expert? Done a lot of research? Been examining at a lot of dicks, huh? You do realize porn is not real li… No? Okay.”
Some penises are tiny, some are big, most are average. This is true across race. Yes, there slight differences - some races have a higher percentage of members (heh) at either end of the spectrum, but like, not anywhere close to what people make it out to be.
This is what I have become. A weird 30-something lady who talks about sex all time and creeps on younger men. Meh. I’m just rolling with it.
Just in case you’ve been wonder how my dating life is going (thank you for your concern, it means a lot), I’m basically crushing it on the reg.
Let me preface this series of texts by saying this guy initiated contact with me a few days prior and we had set a date for the day following these texts. We had been doing a back and forth ask whatever you want kind of thing, hence the “your turn” and the dildo question that seems like a non sequitur.
Note the time stamps. It takes him just under 4 hours to go from 60 to 0.
This is the best I can do. Feel sorry for me.
I legit FELL IN LOVE with someone on OK Cupid today. Like, hearts in my eyes, fluttering eyelashes IN LOVE. He responds VERY selectively (of course he does, he’s so nice and perfect and gorgeous that every chick in DC is messaging him) and is just way too hot and too amazing of a person to ever look at me so I was sending him to my friends saying PLEASE DATE THIS GUY SO HE CAN AT LEAST BE IN MY LIFE TANGENTIALLY.
Someone please write a rom com script based on this blog post. I’m not exactly sure how the guy goes from dating my friend to being my husband but… I’m not the screen writer here, you are. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.
Dudes with girlfriends and wives: GET THE FUCK OFF TINDER
Why are you here? You’re ruining something that’s already pretty fucking terrible. You think your wedding pic is going to get the ladies right-swipin’?? Either you are too stupid to cheat properly or you need to disclosure your ~*~open relationship~*~
Either way, BARF. Get out of here.
If I see another motherfucker on OkCupid or Tinder holding a fish I’m going to fucking lose it.
"Dudes holding trophy fish" is about as bad a profile photo epidemic as "white girls with ethnic children in 3rd world country"
I know you guys have missed this
Been doing a tiny bit of dating. Some highlights:
- the libertarian who doesn’t think racism is really a problem anymore, owns 10+ guns (to protect himself from Government Tyranny), believes anyone can succeed if they just try, believes illegals are taking our jobs (if by “our jobs” you mean the manual labor jobs no one wants to do, sure) and that if he and I entered a high-end retailer together, I, a fat black female, would receive preferential treatment over him, a fit white male…. Sick body though so who cares.
- The guy who is super impressed with himself and once said to me “I am like the perfect sized man” referring to his body type, height and shoe size. -__- Sick body though so who cares.
- Countless fire deaths*
*When mentioning a guy that drops off the face of the planet with no warning, my friend Katie says "he died in a fire and his body is burned beyond recognition. That’s why I haven’t heard from him." The number of fire related deaths of men 27-37 is shocking and it’s a real epidemic in this country and something must be done to stem the tragedy.
If you mark that you would strongly prefer to date someone of your own racial background, please keep it moving. Hey, look, it’s certainly a valid preference and even though I personally think it’s weird and a little bit racist I do understand, sociologically, why one would have that preference. But I must say, it’s a little off-putting and leaves me wondering why you messaged me in the first place.
But wait, I DO know why you messaged me: "just because Italian food is my favorite, that doesn’t mean I don’t eat Chinese every now and then."
Great analogy, kid. I totally get it now.
Sorry, but I’m not interested in being your exotic departure.