You know, I mainly just feel sorry for these dudes that can’t seem to grasp with their tiny man brains that even good intentions can be rooted in a bad place. I’m like Sherlock and Mycroft over here like “It must be so sad for you dummies.”
On the weekends I volunteer at a non-profit teaching at-risk youth about the dangers of vaccination.
It shocks and saddens me, as I continue to torture myself with online dating, how many grown ass men I have to give basic human sexuality 101 lessons to.
I’ve basically given up on looking for something serious (this is DC and I’m fat and not white which means I am no more suitable as a partner than a pile of dog turd and might as well not exist and you think I’m being hyperbolic here but I assure you I am not) and have mainly turned my energy and attention to more casual scenarios - mainly seeing how many hot 25 year olds I can trick into hooking up with me. I mean whatever, right? Obviously, these conversations turn to sex quickly, and dudes on the internet LOVE talking about a) their dicks and b) their imagined sexual prowess, both of which they seem to be quite clueless about. Most of the men I talk seem to believe:
1. most women can orgasm from penetration alone.
No. Nope. To be honest, I blame other women for this mostly. These guys swear up and down that the majority of women they’ve slept with can achieve this, to which I reply “oh honey. you’ve been lied to.” Stop faking orgasms y’all. Stop lying to these poor dudes who think they are giving you the business.
2. all black dudes have huge dicks.
Given that most of the men I talk to are white (remember when DC used to called chocolate city?) I can not tell you how many times guys assume I am used to gigantic horse dicks as a black woman.
Guy: “I’m not huge or anything but I’m doing alright for a white guy.”
Me: “You know that’s not a thing, right?”
Guy: “Uh, yeah it is!”
Me: “Oh, you’re an expert? Done a lot of research? Been examining at a lot of dicks, huh? You do realize porn is not real li… No? Okay.”
Some penises are tiny, some are big, most are average. This is true across race. Yes, there slight differences - some races have a higher percentage of members (heh) at either end of the spectrum, but like, not anywhere close to what people make it out to be.
This is what I have become. A weird 30-something lady who talks about sex all time and creeps on younger men. Meh. I’m just rolling with it.
Just in case you’ve been wonder how my dating life is going (thank you for your concern, it means a lot), I’m basically crushing it on the reg.
Let me preface this series of texts by saying this guy initiated contact with me a few days prior and we had set a date for the day following these texts. We had been doing a back and forth ask whatever you want kind of thing, hence the “your turn” and the dildo question that seems like a non sequitur.
Note the time stamps. It takes him just under 4 hours to go from 60 to 0.
This is the best I can do. Feel sorry for me.
I legit FELL IN LOVE with someone on OK Cupid today. Like, hearts in my eyes, fluttering eyelashes IN LOVE. He responds VERY selectively (of course he does, he’s so nice and perfect and gorgeous that every chick in DC is messaging him) and is just way too hot and too amazing of a person to ever look at me so I was sending him to my friends saying PLEASE DATE THIS GUY SO HE CAN AT LEAST BE IN MY LIFE TANGENTIALLY.
Someone please write a rom com script based on this blog post. I’m not exactly sure how the guy goes from dating my friend to being my husband but… I’m not the screen writer here, you are. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.