John Mayer what am I supposed to do? I can’t defend you this time. I’ve always been able to play the douchebag with a heart of gold card when people would hate on you because you’re smart and funny and talented and you know, sometimes that reads as DOUCHE. No one who would willingly let himself be photographed in that neon green abomination “the Borat Swimsuit” could be a bad guy.  I’m 100% sure I come off as some kind of bitch when I attempt to make the lulz so I was totally sympathizing with you but shiiiiiiit. What am I supposed to say now when people say “fuck that heroin-eyes looking motherfucker!”? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY? And what makes it even more frowny face is that I just spent a good month dealing with people coming at me with some idiotic “I just don’t find blk women attractive” mess and HERE YOU GO. I guess I could say “but look he’s trying to say he knows it’s wrong!” but you’re 32. The time to grow the fuck up has long passed. Why did you do me dirt like this John? At this moment I wish I weren’t 100% digital because I would take all your CDs and beat those motherfuckers with a hammer. No I wouldn’t. BUT I WOULD BLOG ABOUT IT IN THE HYPERBOLIC MANNER THAT I DO EVERYTHING.

Are you on drugs? Do you have tertiary syphilis from fucking only white bitches? WHAT IS IT? The white matter in your frontal lobe  is suffering from some srs deterioration. I am very sad today. I heard about your tomfoolery yesterday but I was like “eh, whatever he’s just bein’ miley” BUT GODDAMN then I read your interview and YOU ARE CRAY-CRAY. I think you must have been poisoned from the dye in that stupid sleeve of yours.

Look John, I know you were probably in it for the RAW INTELLECTUAL LULZ and I do get what you were trying to say. But check it, you are not Paul Mooney. I don’t care how many rap choruses you sing you are still white so shut it down bro or at least keep that shit between you and friends. Fuck, my roommate is white and one of his favorite jokes is Chris Rock’s “Throw some sand on that nigga!” regarding Jermaine Jackson’s consistently greasy-ass face, but he wont say that shit in mixed company! Tact is free John. Use it liberally.

And you know whatelse?! Your last album was not good enough for all this. When R. Kelly micturated all over that child I was like EW then he dropped Chocolate Factory and I was like PEE ON WHOEVER YOU WANT JUST KEEP MAKING JAMS. Battle Studies is… not great. Make another Continuum and you can drop all the n-bombs you want. Ok, well not unlimited. Like 4.

4 weeks ago  /  129 notes  /  Comments

A majorly TL;DR post. Sorry guys. Objectifying Young Men Post coming up soon.

agirlacity asks:

I am a fat chick who is not even remotely attractive by conventional standards, and yet. I have had multiple dates, one-night-stands, and long-term relationships with guys I’ve met on OkCupid.

Have you considered the idea that this same experiment with people who have a less abrasive personality might have completely different results?

Also… consider this. You are talking to a dude who seems cool. He’s relatively funny, not terrible looking, and you’re thinking “hey, maybe I’ll meet this person. Then he says “oh by the way, my profile pictures are a lie. I’m not who I said I am. I am, in fact, someone else and I’m just doing an ‘experiment’.” Would you say “oh, that’s fine because I like you for who you are? Or would you say… “Wow. You are fucking crazy, and not only that, but you’re a liar.” And then maybe find any excuse not to talk to them?

Also, open mindedness is kind of important when approaching these sorts of ventures. If you’re willing to come at online dating with persistence and an open mind I can almost guarantee you will get some nooky (at the very least) out of it. Hell, even Craigslist can work if you give it a fair shot.

Your experiment was self-admittedly flawed but you still presented your conclusions as being, well, conclusive. People read that and make assumptions about online dating, which is discouraging enough as it is! (I know because I have been doing it on and off for years, and it is almost as difficult as real dating). So… do you feel bad about that at all?

Hmm….not sure what you mean by “people who have a less abrasive personality” - if you’re referring to me or the OKCupid dudes, but I can only assume you mean me. I’ve never thought of my personality as abrasive. No, I’m not a demure geisha batting my eyelashes and bowing before men but that doesn’t make me abrasive. No, I can’t really be described as “sweet” or some other poncy word that describes how women should act. In fact, I’m pretty aggressive. But that doesn’t make me abrasive. Or maybe it does, I don’t know. I certainly didn’t consider what the results would be like if I had a different personality because I don’t. I have my personality and that’s all I’m concerned about.

Regarding your second question, you must be under the impression that I engaged in conversation with the guys under false pretenses, strung them along and THEN dropped the bomb. This isn’t the case. All of the guys to whom I revealed the 411, I told them immediately upon contact. They IMed, I told them the deal. Integrity, I has it.

Regarding your third question - what’s there to feel bad about? That I expressed an opinion that online dating sucks? Why would I ever feel BAD about that? It’s not like I’m hurting OKCupid’s nonexistent feelings. Further, I never made any real conclusions. The only thing I concluded was:

“If this experiment holds true, the best I can hope for is a romance with an illiterate yokel with whom I share nothing in common, which is pretty fucking bleak.”

Are you asking if I feel bad that this statement is a blight on the reputation of online dating? Well if the people reading my “experiment” actually READ it, they would know that Fake Me’s online dating experience was damn near fabulous. MY experiences sucked. MINE. So again I ask, what is there to feel bad about?

1 month ago  /  18 notes  /  Comments

Extremely Flawed Social Experiment: Requiem

[Previously: Day Four - Data; Day Three; Day One and Two; The Set Up]

Let me just say that I feel an incredible amount of pressure to make this final installment so righteous and stellar and trill (google it), but I’m pretty sure it will fall short of expectations. Just like the whole online dating clusterfuck of an experience has done for me. So, you know, the suckiness of this is somehow appropriate and poetic.

So last time I told you that I was going to message some of Erin’s suitors from my real profile to see if they would catch on. Or, you know, even look at my profile. Instead of baiting, I took a more direct approach. Over the course of this week, I have revealed to 6 guys that IMed the fake profile of what I was doing.  All but one seemed annoyed and/or confused as to why I would so such a thing. Such a horrible and terrible thing. One guy, after being told the deal, said “Why did you do this??” as if I revealed after 10 years of marriage that I was really a dude or something. Get a grip hoss.

On the issue of Fake Me being repeatedly complimented on her sense of humor while I’ve received one message like that in my 9 months on site:

guy: maybe it’s a majority white site
me: it is
guy: that explains it then
me: and?
guy: and what?
me: so the fact that I’m not complimented on my humor in my real profile is that there are mostly white people on the site?
guy: oh well I mean, I don’t think that guys even click on profiles of girls that they aren’t very attracted to, you know?

So following homeboy’s logic, black people should not even try to write an interesting profile since the whites ain’t looking at that shit anyway. I guess I should just list my interests as “chillin and stuff” and be done with it.

This man-child got all petulant about it:

me: really we are just interested in who would approach me vs. her, thats it.
guy: I see.
guy: Given that I’ve never seen your profile, though…
guy: *shrug*
me: so you IMed with out reading the profile? interesting
guy: *sigh* goodbye.

This kid was hilarious. I left the timestamps in. Check out how quickly he goes from interested to peacing out.

(1:51:15 pm) guy: good day.
(1:52:11 pm) guy: you’re awesomely nerdy.

I go on to tell him about what I’m doing and show him my real profile

(1:58:38 pm) me: well, there you have it. the person who is awesomely nerdy is really a fat black girl.
(1:59:24 pm) guy: it’s not a racial thing
(1:59:32 pm) guy: i’ve dated black girls
(1:59:56 pm) me: that’s cool.
(2:00:33 pm) guy: i didn’t notice the smoking though
(2:00:40 pm) guy: I’m pretty asthmatic
(2:00:59 pm) guy: have fun with your experiment

Bullshit. He looked at Erin’s profile (which is the EXACT same as mine) multiple times, sent her a message AND an IM. But the first thing he notices when he looks at my profile is that I OCCASIONALLY smoke? I imagine him frantically packing up a briefcase, stammering through a bullshit excuse as to why he has to leave the conversation. “Uh..uh… I, uh…. ASTHMA! Bye.”

And so it went. I supposed I can’t blame them - no one wants to be told, in so many words, that they’re an asshole. The ones that took the time to engage me all said the same thing: my fatness and/or blackness is a deterrent from them or any like-minded (READ: quality) men messaging me, that’s just the way it is, my experiment is pointless and there are no lessons to be learned.

Sadly, I think there is merit to what they are saying. The only people “learning something” would possibly be good looking white people who live in a bubble of attractiveness and never once gave real thought to the plight of the ugly, or the fat or the black or, god forbid, the ugly, fat AND black. (No Matt, I don’t think I’m ugly, but most of your white brethren think so.)

No one here is learning anything, really. At the end of the day, the fake profile is fake and I will still be ignored.

But it’s not all doom and gloom. To stir the pot, I would purposely view some of Erin’s suitors from my real profile, a lazy, passive-aggressive version of what I originally planned to do for the big finale. One of the first guys to message Erin actually sent me a message noting the profile similarities, but still expressing interest in the bomb ass hilarity of my profile. We’re still exchanging messages. How dare he skew my data?! Now, I don’t think he’s at all interested in me beyond my ability to endlessly quote Wet Hot American Summer with stunning accuracy, but still. It’s something.

The fake profile is being erased tonight. It will return to it’s invisible state for stalking purposes only. As for my future with online dating… it’s unclear. If this experiment holds true, the best I can hope for is a romance with an illiterate yokel with whom I share nothing in common, which is pretty fucking bleak. But somehow, I remain optimistic that one day I’ll cross e-paths with a decent guy who’s as tired of this dating bullshit as I am. We’ll look into each other’s weary eyes, shrug and say “eh, why not?”. Mediocrity and complacency making true romance 4 eva.

1 month ago  /  58 notes  /  Comments

Extremely Flawed Social Experiment: Day Four - Some Data for that Ass

[Previously: Day Three; Day One and Two; The Set Up]

Originally, I planned on writing a (probably ill-informed and majorly assumptive) screed about what men in the DC Metro area want and do and think (motherfuckers). But rather than assume, let’s look at some data to back up my two major “findings” (I’m such a good scientist it’s crazy - my notes? written on envelopes and Post-Its. Can a bitch get a gig teaching a research methods class or what?)

It was a no-brainer that Erin (Fake Me) would get far more responses and overall interest. So comparing numbers of profile views or messages isn’t really saying anything that we didn’t already know. Yesterday, I gave you guys a sampling of messages but again, you  aren’t getting the full picture from my (possibly biased, but let’s be honest, not really) selection of message excerpts. So let’s really science this shit up with some DATA!

Finding #1 - Erin gets higher quality men. I love me a good graph, don’t you? These are the education levels of the 15 most recent men who messaged us.

Now, I know basing “quality” on what degree you have or don’t have is kind of, flawed - I know lots of people who are successful with no college education and some who are unemployed with multiple degrees. BUT we all know there is a real correlation between education level and intelligence, success, income and so on.

So what do we have here?

Erin’s dudes are rocking the shit out of higher learning. 7 have Master’s degrees. There’s a frigging DOCTOR trying to get a piece. Her least educated suitor is currently in college.

More than half of my suitors didn’t finish or never even attempted college. 3 didn’t even bother listing their education level which can not be a good thing.

Finding #2 - Erin is worth more effort than me.

These numbers don’t look so bad, do they? I mean, according to this chart, you’d think that I’ve won the wordy message war, right? Well, these numbers represent Erin’s 5 LEAST wordy messages and my 5 MOST wordy. That’s right my second most wordy message contains only 11 more words that Erin’s second least wordy.

Most of Erin’s messages were in the high 100’s. These guys actually read her profile and took the time to write a real message. Even her least wordy message (*) was a short little quip that responded directly to something mentioned in the profile. And my most wordy (**), that 288-word opus? Well that was the message I mentioned yesterday that was a copy and paste job meant for a Craigslist ad response. The lowest amount of effort possible. Great. Thanks dude.

I’m thinking about doing one more installment of this depressing yet highly entertaining mess. I’ll pick 3 or 4 guys that have messaged Erin, probably the ones who seem the most enthusiastic about her (my) humor and interests. I will message them from my real profile, with no mention of the experiment. Will they respond? Will they bother to read my profile? Will they notice the striking similarities between the profiles? Dun dun DUNNNNNNN!!!

[Day Five and Beyond]

1 month ago  /  43 notes  /  Comments